theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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