nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
