I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At least life still wants to fuck me.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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