apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
