That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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