After last night, I could never be a politician.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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