You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
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