In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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