i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
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