i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
