she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
3pm strippers are depressing
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
