well I can't set my house on fire every night
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
