I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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