i wish starbucks made bloody marys
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
