Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
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