i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
