Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
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