I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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