I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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