the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
