It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Randomize
