He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Randomize
