I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
