Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
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