Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
