remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
We're too hungover to prance.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
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