Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
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