Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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