Umm I'm too high to move.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Randomize
