This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
