come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
