oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Randomize
