my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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