Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
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