I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
