Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Randomize
