he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
