This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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