went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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