It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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