I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
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