Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
