I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Is Oprah even human
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
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