i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
