Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
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