i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
