my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
