just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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