I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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