i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize