About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
