He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
