I faked an abortion last night.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
