Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Randomize
