I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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